Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
