My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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