Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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