Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize