He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
