Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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