Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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