An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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