I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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