dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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