haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
