Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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