i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
