I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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