I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
