Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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