There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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