my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just cropdusted the office
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
