please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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