puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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