Your mouth is God's brothel.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
