Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
