He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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