the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The Olympian is in my bed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
