In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
