dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
