i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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