Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
