Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
