I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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