i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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