there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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