onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
