I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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