cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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