dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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