I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
