I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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