weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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