The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I love you.
Bad choice
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
