after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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