I'm gonna have a badass scar
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
