It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
