I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
