I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
