wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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