I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
