I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
