Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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