if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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