So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
