Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
