neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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