my mouth tastes like poor choices
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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