I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
