I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
