I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
