Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
